Okay, my first real blog filled with all my real brain-think. Just a note before I start, I am not an expert on anything, so if you're offended by personal opinion or natter, best click that little red cross thing in the top right...
Well in a matter of weeks i'm going to be twenty, and obviously at this age I can't say I know everything about love and relationships, but the beauty of this subject is that I don't think anybody ever does- I think I can safely say that even if I live to be a hundred years old I will still be making the same screw-ups and mistakes I make now! So relationships. Aren't they fascinating? Seriously, it's awe-inspiring how many dynamics two individuals can create. See there are many different powers in relationships, if you don't get where i'm coming from, think back to couples you've seen in the street, think of the woman showing her husband something- curtains for example, something he's so patently not interested in but he smiles and nods, puts his arms around her waist and kisses her cheek- here we have an infatuation, or a 'lovey' relationship, probably a new one, the kind where you'd wear matching underwear everytime you're together or if you're a bloke, the kind where you don't break wind for so long you get stomach cramps. Sweet.
Thing is, these newbie relationships are the raw excitement of love in all it's glory and the world smells like roses, but can it really last? Not at all. there's going to come a day for all these newbies where they get stomach flu, or drink a little too much and do irrepairable word-vomit damage and their beloved is faced with the 'fight or flight' option. Is there enough substance there to overcome visions of their once perfectly preened other half who's now green and smelling like stomach acid, or revealed their true opinion on TopGear. Some couples will laugh at these terrifying moments and stick together, each having their expectations of one another lowered a little and the reality having been revealed. Some couples however, flee to greener pastures, the next good-looking individual who has everything in common with them, and so the pattern continues. The trick is, keeping that warm fuzzy little spark despite all the things about the other person which aren't perfect, if you can do that you're quids in.. I think.
Still don't know what I mean? Okay so you're walking down the street and you see a couple, young- mid-twenties, both very nicely dressed her hair glossy and styled, make-up perfect, heels sexy clothes and matching handbag. His face lined with well-maintained stubble, a nice shirt tight against toned abs and a smell of nice aftershave wafting around him, we've all seen them- 'pretty couples' always smiling, love's young dream. But if you look somewhere else on the street, you'll see another couple, middle-aged. Woman in a pair of tesco jeans and a jumper, maybe a bit of make-up or jewellery, her hair brushed and clean but neglected- roots and all. And the man? Older, grey and balding slightly, wearing a t-shirt his wife has picked for him and some ripped jeans- not trendy ripped, ripped as a result of gardening. Gone are the tanned, toned abs, here we see a hairy bloated belly- a dad belly. This couple aren't smiling, the woman has that pre-menstrual 'if you say anything i'm going to punch you right in the face' scowl and the bloke looks like he hates his life and is debating his second or maybe third mid-life crisis. But, think about it, this couple weren't like this when they met. They could have quite easily been that pretty happy couple twenty years ago, but life has taken it's toll on them and their relationship.
Okay so you're probably thinking i'm negative and wondering why you're reading something so depressing but hear me out, it isn't all bad I swear!
So this couple, they look miserable, that isn't what love is about- but when they go home in the evening and she cooks him a meal and the kids go to bed and they sit down on the sofa together watching television, maybe he reaches over and touches her hand, or maybe she's recorded something she spotted earlier and knew he'd like. This is love, this is still a strong, enviable love, it's just the product of the honeymoon period we see in movies and books- this is the kind of love we should aspire to achieve and respect, any two individuals can meet in a bar, go on a few dates start sleeping together, update their relationship status and hold hands but it takes more than some people have in them to marry someone, bear or give them children, share money, share a bed everynight, share a life. That's an admirable love.
Right went off on a bit of a tangent there but what I was saying is people have an ideology about love and relationships now which I think needs to be destroyed. Now love has become a callously used term describing lust or infatuation, just because you're sleeping with someone does not mean it's love. love is something to be earned not a state that's instantaneously gained after the second date. There are other kinds of couples, couples who are painfully independent, I know of people who are 'seeing each other' for many months without making it 'official' and I for one am lost by this theory, if you have feelings for someone, what is there to gain by avoiding labelling it at all costs and keeping your options open? I understand this is modern and socially-acceptable but when it's stripped of it's glossy 'new-age' reputation what you're basically saying is 'yeah I like you, I like sleeping with you and spending time with you, but if it's okay with you i'd like to still call myself available incase something better comes along, you're a stop-gap' which is fundamentally odd not to mention cruel.
To me, tradition is key. So some people are by nature, adverse to all things traditional such as marriage and children, but as these age-old traditions have become less frequent, so have happy lasting family units. The less people who're willing to settle for one person who makes them happy and vow to work through problems they encounter instead of just running off, for the sake of love, the more divorce rates soar. Because nowadays people seem to think that if a marriage hits a rough patch it's much better to get out quickly and cut any losses, which is ludacrous! If our parents' parents and generations before them had this fickle attitude towards everything we wouldn't be here now.. actually, we might, but we'd be a whole generation screwed up- or as I like to call it 'The Jeremy Kyle generation'. Honestly, I can't say i'm as loyal as a labrador, i've had my fair share of relationships, i've been heart-broken and broken hearts such is the case for a large amount of teenage girls growing up in this society, but I can safely say when I say 'I do', I will, and for me at least, marriage is sacred not a temporary holiday.
There are some couples that rub along quite nicely for years still living apart never discussing moving in together, having children or the 'M' word and it seems that maybe my idea of a happy couple is becoming quickly outdated- but I can't help but dispondantly ask, is this the future? Is it going to become more and more 'weird' to get married once? Is it going to become the norm to have children by different people, or none at all- and if women like me continue to be encouraged to pursue demanding careers and focus entirely on becoming independent and strong, using men for physical pleasure and amusement, how will our grandchildren, whose fathers are nowhere to be found, ever know the joy of a family? Anybody can argue that a family can come in many different forms, but to me, a mother and father should be consistant figures in a child's life and maintain their relationship as opposed to prioritising their own sexual needs over the needs of their family.
If you're like me, one of the dwindling romantics who will never stop believing in love, fairy-tale love that is, don't let the facebook-fractured messes of love all around us discourage you. Keep looking for your happy ending.
Dating: The Do's and Don'ts
Do flirt, if the urge arrises make physical contact, don't be uptight, it's not attractive this isn't the middle-ages and if you're going to make someone wait three weeks for a kiss on the cheek, they're likely to leg it to the nearest girl who'll open her legs for a bag of chips
Don't be easy. you may think this will make a guy want you, and it will- for an hour, he might even come back for more but if you make it clear you're willing he'll see it simply as that, sex on tap. And surprisingly, most men wouldn't want to date the kind of girl who'll put out instantly.
Do call him, this is the twenty-first century, chivalry isn't dead but it's not as chipper as it used to be, there's no harm in calling him ONCE.
Don't facebook stalk him. it won't make you feel better seeing him partying with girls, exes or friends alike- all this does is breed insecurities, new relationships are fragile and ambiguous enough as it is, without you over-analyzing his every move.
Do Tell him you like him, guys aren't so hot on subtle signals.
Don't Tell him you love him. For obvious reasons.
Do Tell him you won't leave him. Men like security.
Don't Ask him not to leave you. Nobody likes insecurity.
So yeah, that's all i've got so far, but sure i'm gonna continue to learn- will keep you updated :)
xx
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