His smell on your pillow.
Before we start I should warn you that this entry isn't my usual style, you won't find any satirical comments about men and how ridiculous they are but instead a note to what it is that we love about them. Why we love them, why we humour them and why we miss them when they leave...
For all the girls out there who have a man in their life, you'll know what I mean when I say you can't live with them or without them. There are so many implications that come with a relationship, and it's true that many of them aren't positive. There will be dozens of times in any long-term arrangement that one or both parties doubt the potential of the relationship or get irritated by each other, this is a non-disputed fact, but aside from all the negative qualities your man might have, I think it's only right we pay testemant to them, even if just to justify why it is that we bother.
If you're in love, you know that no matter how your friends try to help you or support you, sometimes in life the only thing that will even start to make you feel better is a hug from your partner. Nothing compares to having someones safe warm arms wrapped around you when you need to cry. We spend a lot of time moaning and whining about the men in our lives but do we ever really acknowledge how much we appreciate them sitting there and nodding sympathetically when we rant about a bad day at work or someone who's upset us. We never really thank them for the times they rub your back and kiss your forehead, and tell you everything will be okay. We never consider just how much they help us even if it's something simple like buying us our favourite chocolate or cuddling us when we wake up in the night. See sometimes men can be a total pain in the arse and you just want to get as far away from them as humanly possible, but when you're lucky enough to find one who truly loves you and cares for you, there's very little he wouldn't do to put a smile on your face. Maybe they moan and roll their eyes about having to sit through Eastenders, or show very little enthusiasm for what shade of cream to paint the living room, but they still do it don't they? They still do all the little things which make us want them, and if we open our eyes it's pretty obvious that we rely on our men as much as they rely on us.
Not only do we need to acknowledge all these little things our boyfriends/husbands do for us everyday in order to realise why we love them, but just tune into what your heart tells you. Cheesy as it may sound, that little nervy butterfly feeling you get in your tummy when he arrives, or that little dull ache you feel when you say goodbye, that craving that kicks in when you put your face down on your pillow and breath in his scent, that is love. Missing somebody is awful, anybody whether it's friends, family, pets... but nothing quite compares to missing him. Missing a whole half of you, the one person who can pretty much always manage to make everything better and bring a smile to your face. Sometimes it's unbearable, and you start to count down the days, hours, minutes until you're reunited. For any students reaing this, like myself, you will know how much it truly sucks being miles away from that special person, waiting any substantial amount of time to be with them again. And they're all you can think about, and even when you're enjoying yourself with friends, you never stop wishing you were anywhere with them. Because they make you happy, they do all the little things you need to make you smile. They'll follow you around shops all day and watch girly rom-coms even though they hate them. He'll hold your hand when you walk down the street, and kiss you in the morning when your hair's a mess and your breath smells, he'll make you feel like a princess every day.
So, to the dismay of all the feminists reading this i'm giving you all strict instructions to start from now, start appreciating all the things your blokes do to make you happy, and try your hardest to return the favour. Show him how much you love him, because after all, what's the point in missing someone if when you're with them you don't show them you did?
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Sex and Other Guilty Pleasures
Ahh, everybody knows the sweet satisfaction of taking an inhumanely sized bite of your favourite chocolate or seeing your lover in his tightest undies, but what are the things that make us women go 'mmm', what are life's sweetest guilty pleasures...
Okay so there are so many cliches in life, so many things we're supposed to smile at, the smell of cut grass in the summer, a baby's laughter, andrex puppies and we do take pleasure out of these things but c'mon, is that really enough? Of course it isn't, there are millions of things we find much more reliable for getting those endorphins flowing!
Sex
An obvious one I know, but this is about tackling the idea of guilty pleasures and addressing the obvious fact that there are some things in life you should feel guilty about, sex is not one of them. Everybody loves it, everybody's doing it so let's stop being prudish and shout it from the rooftops 'GIRL'S LOVE SEX!' Now before you take this wrong let me explain, i'm not saying it isn't a numbers game, i'm not saying let's go around trying every semi-attractive man that passes us in the street, because if life is a box of chocolates and you have a taste of every one you're going to end up with an arse that has it's own gravitational pull.. But, when you're in a relationship with someone you care about, and I mean genuinely care about not just someone who makes you do that silly giggly thing and your knees go jelloid, why not enjoy as much of them as possible. It's about time that people stop cringing at the prospect of experimentation, the sex industry spends and makes millions of pounds every year so either us girls that blush at Ann Summers are really sitting at home sewing whilst the men get fruity or we're becoming bloody good liars! The time where women were submissive and expected to be proper, only 'making love' to their partners in order to generate children is long gone and now we're actually far more powerful when it comes to the world of sex than our male counterparts. So is sex really a guilty pleasure? Maybe, but it shouldn't be. Girl's who regularly change sexual partners are not role models and are abusing the system completely, but then there's the rest of us, decent hard-working ladies who deserve a good dose of hanky-panky!
And whilst we're on the subject, although I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion and everyone has their own taste, what is it with all the freaky sex nowadays? If you've been into a sex shop recently you'll know exactly what I mean, if you've ever looked at something on the shelf before, your mouth open thinking 'that would never fit inside me??!!' What is that all about? This will be a particularly sore subject for all the women out there who has been unfortunate enough to meet one of the 'modern men' that are prowling the streets at the moment, there really are quite some characters out there. Years ago all men wanted was to lie back and enjoy, or maybe take control of the situation, but now it seems they're game for anything! When did it become acceptable for both parties involved to be wearing lace panties? And who was the first girl who approached a man and uttered the phrase 'honey I'd really like it if during sex tonight you put your fingers in my anus?' or 'sweetheart, could you please gag me?' What happened to good old fashioned sex, as much as I think we shouldn't be guilty about having sex, that doesn't mean that we need to push every boundary going, because some were put there, in my opinion, for a very good reason!
Chocolate
Okay so the heading may say chocolate, but this is really just a metaphor for any calorie-filled snack food we love, so whether it's popcorn, ice-cream, cake or crisps us ladies all have a soft spot- or in other words something we cannot seem to stop scoffing! Now this is a tricky subject when it comes to guilt. I myself am curvy and obviously i'm using the word curvy in the modern-sense as a cover up for 'carrying an extra stone at least', and I can say with a straight face that I genuinely believe women need chocolate. We have so much in life to think about, work, children, boyfriends/husbands and their antics, ironing, shoes and we're frowned upon for drinking wine by the gallon or turning to drugs. To me, it's entirely plausable that whilst watching a soap we should be entitled to devour a box of chocolate fingers or a tub of twiglets, we've earned it! But then again, I can't knowingly deny that guilt from snacking is one of the worst! It won't hit you whilst you've got dairy milk melting on your tongue, it won't even hit you when you're collecting a gigantic pile of wrappers for the bin, but it will hit you the next morning when you pass yourself in the mirror and wonder how Jabba the Hut broke into your bedroom. We all go through women's magazines and grimace at the pictures of celebs with the tiniest ripple of cellulite on their thighs, but I challenge you to stand infront of the mirror and jiggle around a bit, not too much because you will frighten yourself, but rest assured it's not a pretty sight! But the worse you look the guiltier you feel, the more chocolate you eat- this is what I call the circle of life concept.
All in all, chocolate has to, unfortunately, stay as a guilty pleasure- but we all know that's not going to stop us!
Facebook Stalking
So Facebook has now sadly become part of most of our everyday lives, and forgetting to update your status is now on a par with forgetting to feed one's children or forgetting to switch the iron off. It's sad but true that to most of us Facebook has become much like cocaine, all of us requiring that 'one last homepage check' before bed and then ten minutes after you should be asleep your phone beeps telling you you have a notification and you run to the laptop. It's a demanding mistress. But Facebook has also become a platform for another of our guilty pleasures which is facebook stalking. Ohhhhh nobody could put into words the absolute bliss we feel seeing a picture of our ex looking awful, or better still him dating someone looking awful, it's brilliant! Gone are the days when someone's business is their own, it's now fundamentally our right to see that girl you went to school with put on ten pounds or the guy you used to date lumbered with two kids by different women and the 'I knew he'd end up like that'. I'm going to be honest, I spend far more time looking at the profiles of people who aren't my friends than I do people I like. Also, when other girls have a baby- we're all guilty of looking at the pictures, cooing or deciding just how cute it is. I even find myself adding people with private profiles who I know won't accept me, in a desperate attempt to feed my addiction. This stalking is especially trained to notice any slight change in relationship status, and the need to get involved in arguments which you aren't involved in, the temptation to leave comments like 'I always knew he was a tosser, you can do so much better honey' on statuses of girls you haven't spoken to more than once. Although there is plenty to feel guilty about on this subject, I argue that it's become so socially acceptable now that it's no longer a guilty pleasure but a right of passage for a woman! And so what if I know every person my boyfriend befriended three months before we met, or who he went out with, or what his friend's mum looks like...
Shopping
Shopping is not a guilty pleasure.
So maybe I'm a student and have no money, maybe toast is my main food group, maybe i'm lucky if my toast isn't moldy but still even in my current financial situation (and by situation I mean shit-creek) I truly believe that shopping is a habit which women cannot and should never live without. It would be positively dangerous for a woman to have just one pair of jeans because it is just impossible that that pair of jeans will go with both boots and trainers. Utterly ridiculous. Men do not understand how women can look around shops endlessly and never get bored, but that is because men don't understand the pleasure that woman will get when she finds those perfect heels or a cardigan which matches just right with that top she bought. We sit idly by and never complain when men spend hours on their car, motorbike or on a golf course, watching football, so I ask you why on Earth they think they have the right to question something which is so intrinsically part of our nature! Do they not want us to be happy?! Therefore my advice to any woman who's other half implies that shopping falls in the guilty pleasure category, revoke number one on the guilty pleasures list until further notice.
Okay so there are so many cliches in life, so many things we're supposed to smile at, the smell of cut grass in the summer, a baby's laughter, andrex puppies and we do take pleasure out of these things but c'mon, is that really enough? Of course it isn't, there are millions of things we find much more reliable for getting those endorphins flowing!
Sex
An obvious one I know, but this is about tackling the idea of guilty pleasures and addressing the obvious fact that there are some things in life you should feel guilty about, sex is not one of them. Everybody loves it, everybody's doing it so let's stop being prudish and shout it from the rooftops 'GIRL'S LOVE SEX!' Now before you take this wrong let me explain, i'm not saying it isn't a numbers game, i'm not saying let's go around trying every semi-attractive man that passes us in the street, because if life is a box of chocolates and you have a taste of every one you're going to end up with an arse that has it's own gravitational pull.. But, when you're in a relationship with someone you care about, and I mean genuinely care about not just someone who makes you do that silly giggly thing and your knees go jelloid, why not enjoy as much of them as possible. It's about time that people stop cringing at the prospect of experimentation, the sex industry spends and makes millions of pounds every year so either us girls that blush at Ann Summers are really sitting at home sewing whilst the men get fruity or we're becoming bloody good liars! The time where women were submissive and expected to be proper, only 'making love' to their partners in order to generate children is long gone and now we're actually far more powerful when it comes to the world of sex than our male counterparts. So is sex really a guilty pleasure? Maybe, but it shouldn't be. Girl's who regularly change sexual partners are not role models and are abusing the system completely, but then there's the rest of us, decent hard-working ladies who deserve a good dose of hanky-panky!
And whilst we're on the subject, although I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion and everyone has their own taste, what is it with all the freaky sex nowadays? If you've been into a sex shop recently you'll know exactly what I mean, if you've ever looked at something on the shelf before, your mouth open thinking 'that would never fit inside me??!!' What is that all about? This will be a particularly sore subject for all the women out there who has been unfortunate enough to meet one of the 'modern men' that are prowling the streets at the moment, there really are quite some characters out there. Years ago all men wanted was to lie back and enjoy, or maybe take control of the situation, but now it seems they're game for anything! When did it become acceptable for both parties involved to be wearing lace panties? And who was the first girl who approached a man and uttered the phrase 'honey I'd really like it if during sex tonight you put your fingers in my anus?' or 'sweetheart, could you please gag me?' What happened to good old fashioned sex, as much as I think we shouldn't be guilty about having sex, that doesn't mean that we need to push every boundary going, because some were put there, in my opinion, for a very good reason!
Chocolate
Okay so the heading may say chocolate, but this is really just a metaphor for any calorie-filled snack food we love, so whether it's popcorn, ice-cream, cake or crisps us ladies all have a soft spot- or in other words something we cannot seem to stop scoffing! Now this is a tricky subject when it comes to guilt. I myself am curvy and obviously i'm using the word curvy in the modern-sense as a cover up for 'carrying an extra stone at least', and I can say with a straight face that I genuinely believe women need chocolate. We have so much in life to think about, work, children, boyfriends/husbands and their antics, ironing, shoes and we're frowned upon for drinking wine by the gallon or turning to drugs. To me, it's entirely plausable that whilst watching a soap we should be entitled to devour a box of chocolate fingers or a tub of twiglets, we've earned it! But then again, I can't knowingly deny that guilt from snacking is one of the worst! It won't hit you whilst you've got dairy milk melting on your tongue, it won't even hit you when you're collecting a gigantic pile of wrappers for the bin, but it will hit you the next morning when you pass yourself in the mirror and wonder how Jabba the Hut broke into your bedroom. We all go through women's magazines and grimace at the pictures of celebs with the tiniest ripple of cellulite on their thighs, but I challenge you to stand infront of the mirror and jiggle around a bit, not too much because you will frighten yourself, but rest assured it's not a pretty sight! But the worse you look the guiltier you feel, the more chocolate you eat- this is what I call the circle of life concept.
All in all, chocolate has to, unfortunately, stay as a guilty pleasure- but we all know that's not going to stop us!
Facebook Stalking
So Facebook has now sadly become part of most of our everyday lives, and forgetting to update your status is now on a par with forgetting to feed one's children or forgetting to switch the iron off. It's sad but true that to most of us Facebook has become much like cocaine, all of us requiring that 'one last homepage check' before bed and then ten minutes after you should be asleep your phone beeps telling you you have a notification and you run to the laptop. It's a demanding mistress. But Facebook has also become a platform for another of our guilty pleasures which is facebook stalking. Ohhhhh nobody could put into words the absolute bliss we feel seeing a picture of our ex looking awful, or better still him dating someone looking awful, it's brilliant! Gone are the days when someone's business is their own, it's now fundamentally our right to see that girl you went to school with put on ten pounds or the guy you used to date lumbered with two kids by different women and the 'I knew he'd end up like that'. I'm going to be honest, I spend far more time looking at the profiles of people who aren't my friends than I do people I like. Also, when other girls have a baby- we're all guilty of looking at the pictures, cooing or deciding just how cute it is. I even find myself adding people with private profiles who I know won't accept me, in a desperate attempt to feed my addiction. This stalking is especially trained to notice any slight change in relationship status, and the need to get involved in arguments which you aren't involved in, the temptation to leave comments like 'I always knew he was a tosser, you can do so much better honey' on statuses of girls you haven't spoken to more than once. Although there is plenty to feel guilty about on this subject, I argue that it's become so socially acceptable now that it's no longer a guilty pleasure but a right of passage for a woman! And so what if I know every person my boyfriend befriended three months before we met, or who he went out with, or what his friend's mum looks like...
Shopping
Shopping is not a guilty pleasure.
So maybe I'm a student and have no money, maybe toast is my main food group, maybe i'm lucky if my toast isn't moldy but still even in my current financial situation (and by situation I mean shit-creek) I truly believe that shopping is a habit which women cannot and should never live without. It would be positively dangerous for a woman to have just one pair of jeans because it is just impossible that that pair of jeans will go with both boots and trainers. Utterly ridiculous. Men do not understand how women can look around shops endlessly and never get bored, but that is because men don't understand the pleasure that woman will get when she finds those perfect heels or a cardigan which matches just right with that top she bought. We sit idly by and never complain when men spend hours on their car, motorbike or on a golf course, watching football, so I ask you why on Earth they think they have the right to question something which is so intrinsically part of our nature! Do they not want us to be happy?! Therefore my advice to any woman who's other half implies that shopping falls in the guilty pleasure category, revoke number one on the guilty pleasures list until further notice.
Seven Deadly Dates
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only girl out there who's had her fair share of bad dates. I mean painful dates. And from cringeworthy to plain dull I think these dating horrors are categorisable into seven types. The seven deadly dates.
The Hotty.
Alright so picture the scene, you've finally managed to somehow trick that gorgeous guy you've fancied for aaggees into going on a date with you, you jammy cow. And at first you feel like all your christmasses have come at once right? But then comes the horrific reality of a date with these hotties. Now you're faced with the reality of a dream which in my opinion is far safer as a dream! First of all, you need to run around the house crying because you don't have anything to wear that makes you look like a size six model girl, the type he usually dates- and then the realisation that this is because you are not a size six. This would be a wise point at which to text him and cancel. Trust me. Okay so say you've got past this phase, and managed to squeeze yourself into and outfit which is perfectly nice (but you still feel like a 'before' photo) and you've done your hair and makeup. So you get to the place you've arranged to meet and he's not there, because hotties are always late. So then you have the next twenty minutes/half an hour wondering if you've been stood up, getting sympathetic looks from everyone around and feeling stupid for ever thinking he'd date you- self esteem gets even lower. Personal experience tells me this is not the point at which to text them telling them they're an arrogant wanker, incase they walk through the door... Okay so you get past this and bluff you're way out of the text, then comes the date. Which is torture! You spend the whole time sucking your stomach in, giggling at everything he says and then, when you're cheeks are suffering and you're starving hungry (having only ordered a salad and water), comes the icing on the cake (which you really wanted some of but didn't want him to be thinking FATTY.) something goes hideously wrong. The most common are as follows:
* you laugh, and snort.
*you word-vomit something terribly embarassing
*you call him dad
*you fall over
*your dress rips
*you burp/fart/vomit/sneeze in his face or dribble.
So as you're sat there cringing, wishing the Earth would swallow you up, he's making his excuses and leaving. But let me speak on behalf of all the ladies who have suffered this, not having an offer of a second date is definitely a blessing!
The Internet Guy
Well, let's be honest, some way or another whether it's through Facebook or internet dating, we've all most probably been on a date with someone we met online. And I would actually say that these, despite nerve-racking and often dissapointing, are usually the most exciting dates! So you've had a couple weeks emailing each other, you've seen photos of him and you've practically fallen for him and his romantic emails and sense of humour... or at least you think you have, what you've actually fallen for is cyber-him. Which is an entirely different thing altogether. First of all some advice to women who are yet to experience this, if he says he's 6 foot, he's 5"8. If he says he 'works out', he's done some kind of exercise in the last six months..if you're lucky. If he says he's 'self-employed or works from home' he's unemployed. If he says he's 'been travelling' he went on a holiday that lasted more than a week and finally if he says he's 'not looking for anything serious', he wants to shag you.
So the funny thing about an internet date, is you VERY rarely end up going on a date with who you think you are. You've got a picture to go by, but when you walk into the bar and see a middle-aged plump man with a comb-over sitting in the corner you don't suspect that he's the same guy in your picture who's tanned, slim and a good ten years younger. The beauty of internet dating is that it gives these sometimes average-looking and sometimes stomach-turning men, the opportunity to reinvent themselves as something a percentage of pretty young women might consider dating. I mean, don't get me wrong i'm all for personality and stuff, but that really isn't enough to get over someone who doesn't use a toothbrush or is wearing a matching Levis tracksuit.
The Shag and Run
This appley-named date is one of the most deadly.
You go out with a guy, get on great, really connect you know? maybe you go on two or three, or for the more permiscuous amongst us it'll just be the one, so you like this person and they appear to like you a lot too, so foolishly you go to bed with them. And it's great, you have a lot of fun; and afterwards, they'll cuddle you, maybe even tell you they love you, and everything is peachy. Until the next morning. So maybe they kiss you goodbye, maybe they don't. Maybe they walk you home, maybe they don't. Maybe they'll call, they won't.
These kind of guys really are the biggest shits of all. They prey amongst naive girls, good-hearted girls who are silly enough to believe in love at first shag. A concept which I can safely assure you is not fallible. but beware, these guys don't just come disguised amongst men you meet in bars and clubs, oh no, they could be 'friends', guys who've pretended to care for you for some time, it's astounding the effort some men will go to to trick a girl into opening her legs. So this kind of date is definitely the most deadly, leaving you feeling used and stupid, after all, it's never nice to be burned.
Tumbleweed.
Okay so this type of date may seem pretty harmless at face-value, but never under-estimate the sheer agony of spending an entire date counting down minutes and wishing you had stayed at home watching Corrie. I mean, i've been on dates where (and i'm ashamed to admit this) i've actually resented using make-up for it, or dirtying a decent outfit I could have worn at a far more exciting date. Have you ever been sat opposite someone who's talking, wishing you weren't there and come to that moment where they look at you expectantly and you realise they must have asked a question- horrific. I tend to giggle and dash off to the bathroom, coming back two minutes later claiming to have a call from my parents/friends/dog demanding I rush home immediately. Suffice to say this is a painful experience no girl should be subjected to very often, but we are. And the worst part of it is, sometimes the dillusional sod actually asks for a second date! Or has the ordasity to text you telling you what a great time he had! Isn't it just nearly impossible to resist the temptation to reply saying 'well i'm so glad you had a great time boring me to the point of wanting to choke myself with a fork. But i'm afraid I can't meet you again, i'm too busy recovering.' Although for the kind-hearted amongst us, there may be a part of you which considers a second date, justifying it to ourselves with thoughts like 'everyone deserves a second chance.' This is fatal, not only will you end up equally as bored as the first date, but you will resent going through it again and may even have a rage-fuelled physcotic episode and end up hysterically screaming or throwing something at him, never good.
The one way love affair.
So you're all dressed up, raring to go and you meet the guy, he looks nice, very nice. You start chatting and you really like him and really fancy him- but the catch is he's clearly not interested. You put your hand on his and he moves it. You make your best attempts at jokes but he laughs nervously and awkwardly and you cringe. Now you can drag this out as long as you like in a desperate bid to get him to like you, but just think back to the fourth deadly date, that's the pain you're inflicting on him and there is absolutely no way you'll change his mind anytime soon. With this in mind, do yourself a huge favour and don't try to kiss him at the end of the night, where he flinches and turns his cheek to you or worse still gives you the sigh and the 'look..you're a lovely girl, can we just be friends?' speech. OUCH!
The 'fun guy' date.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! See that, that was me pretending to be amused. I've had a lot of practice with this one, because stupidly I think I can overcome the bloody irritation of 'fun guy' dates and discover a soul-mate... never going to happen. These are the kind of dates you'll 'always remember' but for the wrong reasons. This is a tip from sister to sister, if a guy suggests something in the realms of go-karting, paint-balling etc. Run for the hills. Never humour a guy who craves running around getting messy and generally having 'fun'. To me, and a lot of girls out there, being soaked, covered in paint or having to wear a helmet is not something you imagine when picturing a perfect first date. I for one, do not want to have my first kiss with someone with make-up all over my face, wet hair or trying to catch my breath. These activities may be a laugh, something to do with mates but you do not want to end up dating someone who wants to push your body to it's capacity. You want to come home from a date with a grin and butterflies in your tummy, not feeling queasy and bruised! And the worst thing about these dates is that it's so tempting to go along and pretend to be a 'fun girl', it's so tempting to force a smile and fake enjoyment, but just bear in mind that by doing this you're being just as much of a liar and future dissapointment as internet guy. Do not false-advertise, because it will only result in months of suffering or him going and booking a bungee-jumping holiday in australia... Oh the agony.
The weird guy.
So the last of my seven deadly dates is reasonably self-explanatory. There isn't neccessarily one thing fundamentally wrong with these men, just everything. They dress oddly, they laugh oddly, they drink port, they hold your hand at all times, they tell you they love you within half an hour, they call it a 'date' if it's passing in the street. They add your parents on facebook, they rub your stomach and say 'that could be my baby's home one day' (personal horrific experience). These are the kind of guys that make you change your phone number, the kind you're worried might follow you home, the kind where you clench your fists incase they try to shove a ring on your finger. And bless them, you almost feel sorry for them. It's not their fault they have gross hair, they wear socks and sandals, they talk about their nanny, they have three kids, they're forty-five and dress in boardies, they wear briefs, they tell you they're arroused over dinner, they want your landline number, they use the term 'soul mates', they're virgins, they cry at films, they bring a book, they use a calculator to divide the bill, they blush a lot, they sweat a lot, they smell like sweat a lot, they make you get that little bit of sick in your throat and panic in your chest...
The Hotty.
Alright so picture the scene, you've finally managed to somehow trick that gorgeous guy you've fancied for aaggees into going on a date with you, you jammy cow. And at first you feel like all your christmasses have come at once right? But then comes the horrific reality of a date with these hotties. Now you're faced with the reality of a dream which in my opinion is far safer as a dream! First of all, you need to run around the house crying because you don't have anything to wear that makes you look like a size six model girl, the type he usually dates- and then the realisation that this is because you are not a size six. This would be a wise point at which to text him and cancel. Trust me. Okay so say you've got past this phase, and managed to squeeze yourself into and outfit which is perfectly nice (but you still feel like a 'before' photo) and you've done your hair and makeup. So you get to the place you've arranged to meet and he's not there, because hotties are always late. So then you have the next twenty minutes/half an hour wondering if you've been stood up, getting sympathetic looks from everyone around and feeling stupid for ever thinking he'd date you- self esteem gets even lower. Personal experience tells me this is not the point at which to text them telling them they're an arrogant wanker, incase they walk through the door... Okay so you get past this and bluff you're way out of the text, then comes the date. Which is torture! You spend the whole time sucking your stomach in, giggling at everything he says and then, when you're cheeks are suffering and you're starving hungry (having only ordered a salad and water), comes the icing on the cake (which you really wanted some of but didn't want him to be thinking FATTY.) something goes hideously wrong. The most common are as follows:
* you laugh, and snort.
*you word-vomit something terribly embarassing
*you call him dad
*you fall over
*your dress rips
*you burp/fart/vomit/sneeze in his face or dribble.
So as you're sat there cringing, wishing the Earth would swallow you up, he's making his excuses and leaving. But let me speak on behalf of all the ladies who have suffered this, not having an offer of a second date is definitely a blessing!
The Internet Guy
Well, let's be honest, some way or another whether it's through Facebook or internet dating, we've all most probably been on a date with someone we met online. And I would actually say that these, despite nerve-racking and often dissapointing, are usually the most exciting dates! So you've had a couple weeks emailing each other, you've seen photos of him and you've practically fallen for him and his romantic emails and sense of humour... or at least you think you have, what you've actually fallen for is cyber-him. Which is an entirely different thing altogether. First of all some advice to women who are yet to experience this, if he says he's 6 foot, he's 5"8. If he says he 'works out', he's done some kind of exercise in the last six months..if you're lucky. If he says he's 'self-employed or works from home' he's unemployed. If he says he's 'been travelling' he went on a holiday that lasted more than a week and finally if he says he's 'not looking for anything serious', he wants to shag you.
So the funny thing about an internet date, is you VERY rarely end up going on a date with who you think you are. You've got a picture to go by, but when you walk into the bar and see a middle-aged plump man with a comb-over sitting in the corner you don't suspect that he's the same guy in your picture who's tanned, slim and a good ten years younger. The beauty of internet dating is that it gives these sometimes average-looking and sometimes stomach-turning men, the opportunity to reinvent themselves as something a percentage of pretty young women might consider dating. I mean, don't get me wrong i'm all for personality and stuff, but that really isn't enough to get over someone who doesn't use a toothbrush or is wearing a matching Levis tracksuit.
The Shag and Run
This appley-named date is one of the most deadly.
You go out with a guy, get on great, really connect you know? maybe you go on two or three, or for the more permiscuous amongst us it'll just be the one, so you like this person and they appear to like you a lot too, so foolishly you go to bed with them. And it's great, you have a lot of fun; and afterwards, they'll cuddle you, maybe even tell you they love you, and everything is peachy. Until the next morning. So maybe they kiss you goodbye, maybe they don't. Maybe they walk you home, maybe they don't. Maybe they'll call, they won't.
These kind of guys really are the biggest shits of all. They prey amongst naive girls, good-hearted girls who are silly enough to believe in love at first shag. A concept which I can safely assure you is not fallible. but beware, these guys don't just come disguised amongst men you meet in bars and clubs, oh no, they could be 'friends', guys who've pretended to care for you for some time, it's astounding the effort some men will go to to trick a girl into opening her legs. So this kind of date is definitely the most deadly, leaving you feeling used and stupid, after all, it's never nice to be burned.
Tumbleweed.
Okay so this type of date may seem pretty harmless at face-value, but never under-estimate the sheer agony of spending an entire date counting down minutes and wishing you had stayed at home watching Corrie. I mean, i've been on dates where (and i'm ashamed to admit this) i've actually resented using make-up for it, or dirtying a decent outfit I could have worn at a far more exciting date. Have you ever been sat opposite someone who's talking, wishing you weren't there and come to that moment where they look at you expectantly and you realise they must have asked a question- horrific. I tend to giggle and dash off to the bathroom, coming back two minutes later claiming to have a call from my parents/friends/dog demanding I rush home immediately. Suffice to say this is a painful experience no girl should be subjected to very often, but we are. And the worst part of it is, sometimes the dillusional sod actually asks for a second date! Or has the ordasity to text you telling you what a great time he had! Isn't it just nearly impossible to resist the temptation to reply saying 'well i'm so glad you had a great time boring me to the point of wanting to choke myself with a fork. But i'm afraid I can't meet you again, i'm too busy recovering.' Although for the kind-hearted amongst us, there may be a part of you which considers a second date, justifying it to ourselves with thoughts like 'everyone deserves a second chance.' This is fatal, not only will you end up equally as bored as the first date, but you will resent going through it again and may even have a rage-fuelled physcotic episode and end up hysterically screaming or throwing something at him, never good.
The one way love affair.
So you're all dressed up, raring to go and you meet the guy, he looks nice, very nice. You start chatting and you really like him and really fancy him- but the catch is he's clearly not interested. You put your hand on his and he moves it. You make your best attempts at jokes but he laughs nervously and awkwardly and you cringe. Now you can drag this out as long as you like in a desperate bid to get him to like you, but just think back to the fourth deadly date, that's the pain you're inflicting on him and there is absolutely no way you'll change his mind anytime soon. With this in mind, do yourself a huge favour and don't try to kiss him at the end of the night, where he flinches and turns his cheek to you or worse still gives you the sigh and the 'look..you're a lovely girl, can we just be friends?' speech. OUCH!
The 'fun guy' date.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! See that, that was me pretending to be amused. I've had a lot of practice with this one, because stupidly I think I can overcome the bloody irritation of 'fun guy' dates and discover a soul-mate... never going to happen. These are the kind of dates you'll 'always remember' but for the wrong reasons. This is a tip from sister to sister, if a guy suggests something in the realms of go-karting, paint-balling etc. Run for the hills. Never humour a guy who craves running around getting messy and generally having 'fun'. To me, and a lot of girls out there, being soaked, covered in paint or having to wear a helmet is not something you imagine when picturing a perfect first date. I for one, do not want to have my first kiss with someone with make-up all over my face, wet hair or trying to catch my breath. These activities may be a laugh, something to do with mates but you do not want to end up dating someone who wants to push your body to it's capacity. You want to come home from a date with a grin and butterflies in your tummy, not feeling queasy and bruised! And the worst thing about these dates is that it's so tempting to go along and pretend to be a 'fun girl', it's so tempting to force a smile and fake enjoyment, but just bear in mind that by doing this you're being just as much of a liar and future dissapointment as internet guy. Do not false-advertise, because it will only result in months of suffering or him going and booking a bungee-jumping holiday in australia... Oh the agony.
The weird guy.
So the last of my seven deadly dates is reasonably self-explanatory. There isn't neccessarily one thing fundamentally wrong with these men, just everything. They dress oddly, they laugh oddly, they drink port, they hold your hand at all times, they tell you they love you within half an hour, they call it a 'date' if it's passing in the street. They add your parents on facebook, they rub your stomach and say 'that could be my baby's home one day' (personal horrific experience). These are the kind of guys that make you change your phone number, the kind you're worried might follow you home, the kind where you clench your fists incase they try to shove a ring on your finger. And bless them, you almost feel sorry for them. It's not their fault they have gross hair, they wear socks and sandals, they talk about their nanny, they have three kids, they're forty-five and dress in boardies, they wear briefs, they tell you they're arroused over dinner, they want your landline number, they use the term 'soul mates', they're virgins, they cry at films, they bring a book, they use a calculator to divide the bill, they blush a lot, they sweat a lot, they smell like sweat a lot, they make you get that little bit of sick in your throat and panic in your chest...
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Happily (n)Ever After.
'Love and marriage, love and marriage, they go together like a horse and carriage'
'Marriage and divorce, marriage and divorce, he keeps the carriage and you're lumbered with his horse.'
So as you may have guessed, this entry is not about the idyllic couples who ride off into the sunset on a white horse, this entry is about break-ups. The good, the bad and the ugly.
The good break-ups are a blessing, the lesser of two evils. These are the kind of break-ups that occur usually after very short relationships, where it becomes painfully obvious very quickly that the two individuals can't last. Maybe it'll be that 'he was boring', or 'she did this irritating thing with her nose' or any matter of reasons why two people fundamentally don't click. For these couples a break-up is a relief, it really is the only plausable action to take, to cut your losses and walk away. Who knows if in the future maybe you'll be friends or just civil, maybe you'll even end up getting drunk at a party one night and ending up in bed together again. But no matter what path two individuals who've been through this take, they will never last; because if the thought of losing your other half doesn't fill you with absolute horror and panic then you aren't in love. If you can get out of bed and function normally after a break-up, you weren't in love. Love is consuming and powerful and if you are ever unfortunate enough to lose someone you love, you'll know that it is debilitating, agonising and shakes you to your very core.
The bad break-ups are like torture. When you lose someone who you've dedicated half your thoughts to for any substantial period of time, every mundain object you lay eyes on will remind you of them. The toaster brings back memories of him making you toast just how you liked it, the bed reminds you of early nights together and late mornings, leaving work stings everynight as you walk out the door and get that lump in your throat when you realise he's not there, and never will be. These break-ups feel terminal, you've cried so much you have a constant ache in your chest, you've tortured yourself by pouring over every photo of the two of you, finding any obsolete item he's left at yours (a used kleenex) and routinely checking his facebook every ten minutes. These break-ups are the type that have you watery eyed everytime you pass someone in the street who wears his aftershave, wincing at the mention of his name or a car like his driving past. These break-ups are unholy. Surprisingly enough, having experienced a few breakups of my own I have learned one thing, it is far better to be dumped, than to dump. It sounds unlikely, but when somebody leaves you and breaks your heart, you have pure, untainted dispair. You can sob and scream and make your girlfriends suffer as you ask 'why did he do this? how could he do this?' over and over, but eventually the pain will fade because it's replaced with anger 'why the hell did he do that? He's so stupid for doing that!' With a bit of time, your friends and retail therapy you will eventually recover from this kind of break-up, practically unscathed. No, the kind of bad break-up which will really do some damage to the old heart are the ones you chose. Seeing pain that you've inflicted is the most guilt-inspiring thing. And of course, you probably had a bunch of very good reasons for ending the relationship, but he won't understand them and unfortunately, nobody else will either. So you've lost someone who was a huge part of your life, and you're missing them but don't expect any sympathy, not at all! Because you have now undergone an overnight transformation into a bitch from hell. And prepare yourself for entering a room and catching snippets of conversation like 'she broke his heart' and 'never deserved him anyway'... ouch. And then comes doomsday. The day you see him with someone else and you wonder 'did I do the right thing? Was he that bad?' this is fatal. Because if this guy has a scrap of self-respect and integrity he won't give you the time of day, and unfortunately the only way to deal with this kind of break up is to suck it up and get on with life, occassionally wondering 'what if?'
The ugly break-ups can be amusing, until they get out of hand. In my opinion it's highly theraputic to seek a little bit of revenge on someone who dumps you. In the past admittedly i've been known to destroy posessions, spread spiteful rumours about bedroom incidents, burn photographs, hell I even vaguely remember plastering photos of my exes bottom all over the walls of our college... it didn't go down well. But my point is, if someone has had the cheek to dump you, it's only fair that you get to be a little petty, a little irritating and inconvenience them like they have you. But there is a definite danger of forgetting what's healthy in these break-ups. For example, some women get confused and begin to think it's their right to interfere in their exes new relationships, this isn't cool. If he's moved on? Do not make a fool of yourself by being spiteful- it will get you nowhere but lower in his opinion. Maybe he'll even pity you... Or others will, and that is not a desirable effect. So when you're tempted to tell his new girlfriend that he also took you for a picnic, or that he's not good in bed, just remember that he will probably burst her bubble one day too. And if he doesn't, and they're happy- sorry sister, c'est la vie. hold your head high, don't be bitter and deal with it.
'Marriage and divorce, marriage and divorce, he keeps the carriage and you're lumbered with his horse.'
So as you may have guessed, this entry is not about the idyllic couples who ride off into the sunset on a white horse, this entry is about break-ups. The good, the bad and the ugly.
The good break-ups are a blessing, the lesser of two evils. These are the kind of break-ups that occur usually after very short relationships, where it becomes painfully obvious very quickly that the two individuals can't last. Maybe it'll be that 'he was boring', or 'she did this irritating thing with her nose' or any matter of reasons why two people fundamentally don't click. For these couples a break-up is a relief, it really is the only plausable action to take, to cut your losses and walk away. Who knows if in the future maybe you'll be friends or just civil, maybe you'll even end up getting drunk at a party one night and ending up in bed together again. But no matter what path two individuals who've been through this take, they will never last; because if the thought of losing your other half doesn't fill you with absolute horror and panic then you aren't in love. If you can get out of bed and function normally after a break-up, you weren't in love. Love is consuming and powerful and if you are ever unfortunate enough to lose someone you love, you'll know that it is debilitating, agonising and shakes you to your very core.
The bad break-ups are like torture. When you lose someone who you've dedicated half your thoughts to for any substantial period of time, every mundain object you lay eyes on will remind you of them. The toaster brings back memories of him making you toast just how you liked it, the bed reminds you of early nights together and late mornings, leaving work stings everynight as you walk out the door and get that lump in your throat when you realise he's not there, and never will be. These break-ups feel terminal, you've cried so much you have a constant ache in your chest, you've tortured yourself by pouring over every photo of the two of you, finding any obsolete item he's left at yours (a used kleenex) and routinely checking his facebook every ten minutes. These break-ups are the type that have you watery eyed everytime you pass someone in the street who wears his aftershave, wincing at the mention of his name or a car like his driving past. These break-ups are unholy. Surprisingly enough, having experienced a few breakups of my own I have learned one thing, it is far better to be dumped, than to dump. It sounds unlikely, but when somebody leaves you and breaks your heart, you have pure, untainted dispair. You can sob and scream and make your girlfriends suffer as you ask 'why did he do this? how could he do this?' over and over, but eventually the pain will fade because it's replaced with anger 'why the hell did he do that? He's so stupid for doing that!' With a bit of time, your friends and retail therapy you will eventually recover from this kind of break-up, practically unscathed. No, the kind of bad break-up which will really do some damage to the old heart are the ones you chose. Seeing pain that you've inflicted is the most guilt-inspiring thing. And of course, you probably had a bunch of very good reasons for ending the relationship, but he won't understand them and unfortunately, nobody else will either. So you've lost someone who was a huge part of your life, and you're missing them but don't expect any sympathy, not at all! Because you have now undergone an overnight transformation into a bitch from hell. And prepare yourself for entering a room and catching snippets of conversation like 'she broke his heart' and 'never deserved him anyway'... ouch. And then comes doomsday. The day you see him with someone else and you wonder 'did I do the right thing? Was he that bad?' this is fatal. Because if this guy has a scrap of self-respect and integrity he won't give you the time of day, and unfortunately the only way to deal with this kind of break up is to suck it up and get on with life, occassionally wondering 'what if?'
The ugly break-ups can be amusing, until they get out of hand. In my opinion it's highly theraputic to seek a little bit of revenge on someone who dumps you. In the past admittedly i've been known to destroy posessions, spread spiteful rumours about bedroom incidents, burn photographs, hell I even vaguely remember plastering photos of my exes bottom all over the walls of our college... it didn't go down well. But my point is, if someone has had the cheek to dump you, it's only fair that you get to be a little petty, a little irritating and inconvenience them like they have you. But there is a definite danger of forgetting what's healthy in these break-ups. For example, some women get confused and begin to think it's their right to interfere in their exes new relationships, this isn't cool. If he's moved on? Do not make a fool of yourself by being spiteful- it will get you nowhere but lower in his opinion. Maybe he'll even pity you... Or others will, and that is not a desirable effect. So when you're tempted to tell his new girlfriend that he also took you for a picnic, or that he's not good in bed, just remember that he will probably burst her bubble one day too. And if he doesn't, and they're happy- sorry sister, c'est la vie. hold your head high, don't be bitter and deal with it.
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