Seven Deadly Dates

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only girl out there who's had her fair share of bad dates. I mean painful dates. And from cringeworthy to plain dull I think these dating horrors are categorisable into seven types. The seven deadly dates.
The Hotty.
Alright so picture the scene, you've finally managed to somehow trick that gorgeous guy you've fancied for aaggees into going on a date with you, you jammy cow. And at first you feel like all your christmasses have come at once right? But then comes the horrific reality of a date with these hotties. Now you're faced with the reality of a dream which in my opinion is far safer as a dream! First of all, you need to run around the house crying because you don't have anything to wear that makes you look like a size six model girl, the type he usually dates- and then the realisation that this is because you are not a size six. This would be a wise point at which to text him and cancel. Trust me. Okay so say you've got past this phase, and managed to squeeze yourself into and outfit which is perfectly nice (but you still feel like a 'before' photo) and you've done your hair and makeup. So you get to the place you've arranged to meet and he's not there, because hotties are always late. So then you have the next twenty minutes/half an hour wondering if you've been stood up, getting sympathetic looks from everyone around and feeling stupid for ever thinking he'd date you- self esteem gets even lower. Personal experience tells me this is not the point at which to text them telling them they're an arrogant wanker, incase they walk through the door... Okay so you get past this and bluff you're way out of the text, then comes the date. Which is torture! You spend the whole time sucking your stomach in, giggling at everything he says and then, when you're cheeks are suffering and you're starving hungry (having only ordered a salad and water), comes the icing on the cake (which you really wanted some of but didn't want him to be thinking FATTY.) something goes hideously wrong. The most common are as follows:
* you laugh, and snort.
*you word-vomit something terribly embarassing
*you call him dad
*you fall over
*your dress rips
*you burp/fart/vomit/sneeze in his face or dribble.
So as you're sat there cringing, wishing the Earth would swallow you up, he's making his excuses and leaving. But let me speak on behalf of all the ladies who have suffered this, not having an offer of a second date is definitely a blessing!
The Internet Guy
Well, let's be honest, some way or another whether it's through Facebook or internet dating, we've all most probably been on a date with someone we met online. And I would actually say that these, despite nerve-racking and often dissapointing, are usually the most exciting dates! So you've had a couple weeks emailing each other, you've seen photos of him and you've practically fallen for him and his romantic emails and sense of humour... or at least you think you have, what you've actually fallen for is cyber-him. Which is an entirely different thing altogether. First of all some advice to women who are yet to experience this, if he says he's 6 foot, he's 5"8. If he says he 'works out', he's done some kind of exercise in the last six months..if you're lucky. If he says he's 'self-employed or works from home' he's unemployed. If he says he's 'been travelling' he went on a holiday that lasted more than a week and finally if he says he's 'not looking for anything serious', he wants to shag you.
So the funny thing about an internet date, is you VERY rarely end up going on a date with who you think you are. You've got a picture to go by, but when you walk into the bar and see a middle-aged plump man with a comb-over sitting in the corner you don't suspect that he's the same guy in your picture who's tanned, slim and a good ten years younger. The beauty of internet dating is that it gives these sometimes average-looking and sometimes stomach-turning men, the opportunity to reinvent themselves as something a percentage of pretty young women might consider dating. I mean, don't get me wrong i'm all for personality and stuff, but that really isn't enough to get over someone who doesn't use a toothbrush or is wearing a matching Levis tracksuit.
The Shag and Run
This appley-named date is one of the most deadly.
You go out with a guy, get on great, really connect you know? maybe you go on two or three, or for the more permiscuous amongst us it'll just be the one, so you like this person and they appear to like you a lot too, so foolishly you go to bed with them. And it's great, you have a lot of fun; and afterwards, they'll cuddle you, maybe even tell you they love you, and everything is peachy. Until the next morning. So maybe they kiss you goodbye, maybe they don't. Maybe they walk you home, maybe they don't. Maybe they'll call, they won't.  
 These kind of guys really are the biggest shits of all. They prey amongst naive girls, good-hearted girls who are silly enough to believe in love at first shag. A concept which I can safely assure you is not fallible. but beware, these guys don't just come disguised amongst men you meet in bars and clubs, oh no, they could be 'friends', guys who've pretended to care for you for some time, it's astounding the effort some men will go to to trick a girl into opening her legs. So this kind of date is definitely the most deadly, leaving you feeling used and stupid, after all, it's never nice to be burned.
Tumbleweed.
Okay so this type of date may seem pretty harmless at face-value, but never under-estimate the sheer agony of spending an entire date counting down minutes and wishing you had stayed at home watching Corrie. I mean, i've been on dates where (and i'm ashamed to admit this) i've actually resented using make-up for it, or dirtying a decent outfit I could have worn at a far more exciting date. Have you ever been sat opposite someone who's talking, wishing you weren't there and come to that moment where they look at you expectantly and you realise they must have asked a question- horrific. I tend to giggle and dash off to the bathroom, coming back two minutes later claiming to have a call from my parents/friends/dog demanding I rush home immediately. Suffice to say this is a painful experience no girl should be subjected to very often,  but we are. And the worst part of it is, sometimes the dillusional sod actually asks for a second date! Or has the ordasity to text you telling you what a great time he had! Isn't it just nearly impossible to resist the temptation to reply saying 'well i'm so glad you had a great time boring me to the point of wanting to choke myself with a fork. But i'm afraid I can't meet you again, i'm too busy recovering.'  Although for the kind-hearted amongst us, there may be a part of you which considers a second date, justifying it to ourselves with thoughts like 'everyone deserves a second chance.' This is fatal, not only will you end up equally as  bored as the first date, but you will resent going through it again and may even have a rage-fuelled physcotic episode and end up hysterically screaming or throwing something at him, never good.
The one way love affair.
So you're all dressed up, raring to go and you meet the guy, he looks nice, very nice. You start chatting and you really like him and really fancy him- but the catch is he's clearly not interested. You put your hand on his and he moves it. You make your best attempts at jokes but he laughs nervously and awkwardly and you cringe. Now you can drag this out as long as you like in a desperate bid to get him to like you, but just think back to the fourth deadly date, that's the pain you're inflicting on him and there is absolutely no way you'll change his mind anytime soon. With this in mind, do yourself a huge favour and don't try to kiss him at the end of the night, where he flinches and turns his cheek to you or worse still gives you the sigh and the 'look..you're a lovely girl, can we just be friends?' speech. OUCH!
The 'fun guy' date.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! See that, that was me pretending to be amused. I've had a lot of practice with this one, because stupidly I think I can overcome the bloody irritation of 'fun guy' dates and discover a soul-mate... never going to happen. These are the kind of dates you'll 'always remember' but for the wrong reasons. This is a tip from sister to sister, if a guy suggests something in the realms of go-karting, paint-balling etc. Run for the hills. Never humour a guy who craves running around getting messy and generally having 'fun'. To me, and a lot of girls out there, being soaked, covered in paint or having to wear a helmet is not something you imagine when picturing a perfect first date. I for one, do not want to have my first kiss with someone with make-up all over my face, wet hair or trying to catch my breath. These activities may be a laugh, something to do with mates but you do not want to end up dating someone who wants to push your body to it's capacity. You want to come home from a date with a grin and butterflies in your tummy, not feeling queasy and bruised! And the worst thing about these dates is that it's so tempting to go along and pretend to be a 'fun girl', it's so tempting to force a smile and fake enjoyment, but just bear in mind that by doing this you're being just as much of a liar and future dissapointment as internet guy. Do not false-advertise, because it will only result in months of suffering or him going and booking a bungee-jumping holiday in australia... Oh the agony.
The weird guy.
So the last of my seven deadly dates is reasonably self-explanatory. There isn't neccessarily one thing fundamentally wrong with these men, just everything. They dress oddly, they laugh oddly, they drink port, they hold your hand at all times, they tell you they love you within half an hour, they call it a 'date' if it's passing in the street. They add your parents on facebook, they rub your stomach and say 'that could be my baby's home one day' (personal horrific experience). These are the kind of guys that make you change your phone number, the kind you're worried might follow you home, the kind where you clench your fists incase they try to shove a ring on your finger. And bless them, you almost feel sorry for them. It's not their fault they have gross hair, they wear socks and sandals, they talk about their nanny, they have three kids, they're forty-five and dress in boardies, they wear briefs, they tell you they're arroused over dinner, they want your landline number, they use the term 'soul mates', they're virgins, they cry at films, they bring a book, they use a calculator to divide the bill, they blush a lot, they sweat a lot, they smell like sweat a lot, they make you get that little bit of sick in your throat and panic in your chest...